Looking Good Isn’t the Whole Story Anymore

Looking good still matters. It just isn't the whole story anymore.

There is a particular kind of bullshit that happens to women as we get older. We're apparently supposed to reach some enlightened age where we stop caring about looking younger, lovingly accept every line, throw away the good concealer and announce that we have never felt more beautiful.

Sure. We can be comfortable in our skin and still prefer it after a very good facial. We can appreciate getting older and still colour our hair. We can know there are more important things in life and remain extremely interested in what happened to our jawline.

Both things can be true. But somewhere along the way, looking good stops being quite enough. You also want to feel good inside the life you're looking good for — to have energy, sleep properly, feel strong and comfortable in your body. You want pleasure and curiosity. You want to want things. You want that little flicker that makes you feel unmistakably like yourself.

You want to feel alive.

YOUR BODY MAY START CHANGING THE CONVERSATION

For many women, that shift happens somewhere in midlife. Sometimes it's obvious; sometimes it's simply a collection of things that don't quite feel like you anymore. You're more tired than you used to be. Sleep becomes weird. Your body changes despite doing many of the same things you've always done. Your desire changes, sex feels different or your energy becomes considerably less predictable.

Maybe you're in perimenopause. Maybe you're approaching menopause or already past it. Maybe hormones are only one part of what's going on, because not every change a woman experiences in midlife can - or should - be blamed on menopause.

Hormonal changes during perimenopause and menopause can, however, affect far more than periods and hot flashes. Sleep, energy, concentration, muscles and joints, vaginal comfort, sexual arousal and libido can all be part of the picture.

Which means that at some point, alongside wondering how we keep looking good, there may be another question worth asking:

How do I actually want to feel?

And perhaps an even more useful one: What do I need to know about my body now?

MAYBE DESIRE IS BIGGER THAN SEX

We tend to talk about desire as though it belongs almost exclusively in the bedroom. It doesn't.

Desire is also wanting to go somewhere, touch someone, move your body, learn something, flirt, spend an hour alone, have an orgasm, feel stronger, book the trip or have dinner at the bar instead of going home. Sometimes it's wanting more. Sometimes it's realizing you'd quite like less.

And sometimes what you want now isn't remotely what you wanted ten years ago. There's something very alive about knowing that. Sexual desire can change too, of course, and this part deserves considerably more conversation than it gets.

Changes in libido during perimenopause and menopause are common, as are changes in arousal, lubrication and vaginal comfort. Some women want sex less, some want it more, and others discover that the kind of sex they used to have simply isn't particularly interesting anymore. You may need more time to become aroused, find that different stimulation feels better, or experience dryness or discomfort that makes sex less enjoyable.

Painful sex isn't something you should simply grit your teeth through because you're getting older. It's worth discussing with a qualified healthcare professional; there are reasons it happens and options that may help.

There can also be a rather interesting shift from being concerned with whether you're desirable to becoming much more interested in whether you are actually experiencing pleasure.

Those aren't quite the same thing.

THE ENERGY PART MATTERS

Then there's tired. Not I stayed up too late watching something I absolutely should have turned off three episodes ago tired. The why the hell am I this tired? kind.

Fatigue and sleep problems are commonly reported during the menopause transition. Hormonal changes can contribute, but so can stress, disrupted sleep, pain, heavy periods, iron deficiency and plenty of things completely unrelated to menopause. Persistent or significant fatigue deserves proper medical attention rather than automatically being written off as hormones.

But energy matters for another reason too. When you have very little of it, the world gets smaller. Going out sounds less appealing. Movement requires more effort. Curiosity takes energy. So does sex. So does pleasure sometimes.

Wanting to feel more energetic isn't necessarily about becoming more productive or squeezing more into your day. Maybe you just want enough of yourself left over to actually enjoy your life.

That seems like a pretty reasonable thing to want.

COMFORTABLE IN YOUR SKIN DOESN'T MEAN YOU'VE GIVEN UP

Maybe we've misunderstood that phrase. Being comfortable in your skin doesn't require deciding that you adore absolutely everything about it. You can want smoother skin and stronger legs. Better sleep and better sex. More energy, fewer aches, a different haircut or more orgasms.

You can use the serum, book the appointment, lift the weights, buy the vibrator, ask the doctor, go to bed earlier or wear the dress.

None of those things means you've failed to accept yourself. It means this is your body to live in, and you're allowed to care about what that experience feels like.

FEELING ALIVE

We don't suddenly stop wanting to look good as we get older. Thank God. That would make the bathroom cabinet considerably less interesting. But perhaps we start understanding that looking good and feeling alive aren't the same thing.

Feeling alive is harder to photograph. It's having energy for something you actually want to do. It's pleasure and strength and curiosity. It's being comfortable enough in your body to pay attention to it, and knowing it well enough to notice when something changes.

It's also being willing to ask for help when something doesn't feel right instead of accepting every uncomfortable change as the inevitable price of getting older. And maybe it's knowing yourself well enough to ask what you want now, rather than assuming it should be what you wanted at 30.

We can still want the great skin. 
We can just want a hell of a lot more than that.
There’s more to HER than looking good. Meet HER.